“Do you have children of your own?”. That’s a question I am asked almost on a daily basis. It might be a stranger who is speaking to me, maybe it’s a new coworker, and sometimes its someone who is just making polite conversation. Some days, the question is “When are you going to have kids?”. That’s a tough one too.
My answer to these questions in my mind is “yes, I have babies, but they are in heaven”. But how do we say that to a stranger or someone we barely know?
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. It’s a month when we can publicly remember our babies that are in Heaven and hope to not have people asking us a ton of questions about our personal situations. It is also a month to shed some light on these situations and educate people who have never had this struggle.
I struggled a lot with whether to share my story on the blog. Sometimes it is hard to share our stories, because we don’t want pity and we don’t want those whispers of people talking about the situation behind our backs. But God has called me to be bold with my story and to share it with you all so that hopefully, He can speak through me.
Years ago, I had my first miscarriage. It was tough. It was a struggle to make it day to day for a long time. I was ashamed. I thought, what did I do to deserve this? Fast forward to infertility treatments; pills, shots, planning exact moments when my husband and I would be intimate, doctors’ appointments, and lots of money. For years, my only goal in life was to have a family. I wanted kids so desperately that I cried and pleaded with God every day about it. Imagine my hurt and disappointment when it didn’t happen. Then, another miscarriage. More guilt, more feelings of shame, more tears. My heart has hurt and broken so many times over the desire to have a baby and losing babies before I ever had the opportunity to know them.
I prayed so hard for a rainbow baby for years. I just knew God was going to bless me with my heart’s desire. But then one day, after years of struggling, I realized that maybe my heart’s desire was not God’s desire for my life. To be quite truthful here, I was angry. I distanced myself from anything that had to do with God. I quit church. I quit praying. I quit life as I knew it. Realizing that my desires were not the plans that God had for me really hurt. I would see a pregnant teenager or a mother who mistreated her kids and I would become angry all over again. I questioned God, WHY? WHY could you allow these women to fall pregnant and carry a baby to term, yet you couldn’t allow me to? I would be a good mother; I just knew I would.
Here’s the thing. God knew his plan was way better than mine. He knew that He had plans for my life that I couldn’t see years ago. I was just too blind to see it.
Having a miscarriage is THE worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s still a daily struggle. But I know that God brought me through these situations so that I could help other women. I know that He had a plan for my life, even when I thought I knew best. In the past two years, I feel that God has revealed His plan for my life, and I am at a place where I’m thankful He knows better than me.
I wish I could say that the grief and sadness from losing a baby goes away after some time. Unfortunately, it’s a pain I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The only thing that keeps me from falling into a depression and becoming a hermit is that God has placed some amazing children in my life. I get to love those kids, be their cool Aunt, and then come home to my life, which isn’t so bad.
God is good, ALL of the time. He’s got my back and He’s always got a better plan that I do.